When I was in my last semester of college, I had it all planned: what I want my life to be, what I will do in the next five years, what I wanna achieve. But after graduating for real, turned out some things didn’t go as planned. Not to the extent that it turned my life upside-down, but yes, it gave me a lot of thought.
And I have this habit of writing down what I want to do and what I want to achieve every year’s end. So, since the new year is around the corner, a few days ago I sat down and started to make it. At that time, while staring at the blank paper, I realized I no longer know what I really want.
Reading back all the list that I’ve made two years previously, I was asking myself whether all the things written in there is really the things I wanna have and wanna do. Whether I’m heading to the right direction or not.
These past six months, while being in my hometown, away from all the fuss and busy stuffs I’m familiar with, I did think a lot. What kind of a person I will be. What kind of a person I can be. What I’ve done during these years with my life. Have I done enough? Shouldn’t I have done more?
And to be honest, it did distress me. I did believe that at this age, I should’ve known better of what I’m capable of. I’m envying my friends who seems to do so well on their own, the ones that seems to understand well what they’re capable of and work the best out of it. Thinking about it over and over again, but doesn’t seem there’s a clear way out of it.
And then I realized; it’s fine.
It’s fine to be confused and worried about what my future will be.
It’s fine to try out many things and failed.
It’s fine to take the wrong path or to do detour before finding out the right one.
It’s fine to do things I didn’t really interest in. Maybe it’s not that bad after all.
It’s fine to do things I like one by one, one at a time.
It’s fine to keep holding on to things I cherish.
It’s fine to take time for my own self.
After all, I’ve been running around to many directions for almost twenty four years. I’ve seen many things I’d like to just forget, but I also picked out many things I’m keeping dear even until now. If I keep going, there must be one thing or two I can find out, right?
I just need to keep my eyes wide open and enjoy every moment I live on. Then, someday, the answer will surely come out.
Sidoarjo, December 27th 2013